I’ve been blogging for around seven months now (hooray me) and I’ve loved it. I may not be the most consistent but I try to raise awareness where possible and discuss things openly. Saying that I’ve not really spoke about my experiences to great detail, I tend to keep things quite generalised because I feel safer that way. After all these years it still doesn’t feel natural to discuss my personal life.
Now although I have suffered with my mental health all my life, its been in waves. I mean I go through stages of managing it well and then it attacks and I’m back at square one. I had a relapse eighteen months ago and since then most of my energy goes into staying well. I know I’ll get there, get to a point where I’m fully in control but for now I need to allow my brain to recover. Now in the past the depression has been the stronger element to my illness, the one that affects me the most but this last year the anxiety has been much worse. I find myself thinking ‘what if?‘ to EVERYTHING, or should I say overthinking.
What if I don’t get well.
What if I end up alone (This is the worst one)
What are my friends thinking about me? What does my boyfriend think? Are they sick of me being poorly?
What if the doctor gets annoyed with me for struggling again
What if i never get my degree.
What if this is how I’ll always feel from now on.
Somebody could offer me the world and recently I’d probably still think- what if they don’t mean it? They say overthinking kills happiness and its true. Its pissing annoying because its never usually this bad, I’m usually stronger than this.
Now this is the first time I’m using blogging as a personal therapy, actually touching on personal issues and getting my thoughts out there in the hopes someone else understands and can empathise. I’ve had CBT more than once and found it so helpful yet here I am again back in the old habits, back thinking ‘what if’ at every vulnerability in my life. I cant keep living on What if’s. I understand that’s just a part of my illness, a part that I need to learn how to control. Overthinking. I wonder how many other people experience this?
Now one thing I don’t know how to verbalise is the not knowing what is real and what isn’t. If I don’t understand this how can others, but a lot of the time I find it difficult to know if the problems I’m worrying about are real, present issues or just the product of my overthinking. Of my rumination. Of my illness. I often find myself worrying, what if I’ve completely lost my mind?
As I’m typing this it makes me more determined to work on this, to beat my illness and finish my recovery. I will become the laid back girl I was before, the one that laughs at stupid videos until she cries, the one that belts out a show tune and the one that is confident. Confident in her abilities, in her relationships, in her future.
I may not be there now but that’s the whole part of recovery. Its not just a case of taking my medication, I also need to challenge these thoughts, keep active, keep resting, keep eating and drinking well. I need to keep talking. To work damn hard until the fake becomes real. Until I feel myself again. If we’re going to fight stigma properly I suppose I need to start discussing the good, and the bad. That’s life I suppose, a balance of the good and bad. I’m proud of myself for taking this first step and talking openly.