I have just spent what felt like a year typing a blog post to delete it in a second. Sometimes what you want to say is there in your brain but when it comes to writing it down there’s a struggle, or at least for me.
I’ll be honest, this last few months I’ve sensed a lot of judgement on social media and being so new at all this I was afraid to type anything, especially at such a sensitive and pressured time of year. Saying this, I’ve realised it doesn’t matter how I’m judged as long as I’m typing what I believe to be true. As long as I have my integrity because I cant think of anything I’m more passionate about than discussing mental health in a positive way.
Now this time of year can be difficult for many people, its a hectic time with so many pressures to be happy, fit and healthy. Those pressures usually tend to get me down, especially after the hectic build up throughout December. Rather than letting it get me down I’ve spent so much of today practising mindfulness and re-visiting my CBT work and I honestly feel better. I have the (possibly naive) attitude where anything is possible, I mean after the struggles of last year I’m still here and still fighting.
I know they say time is a man made conception which renders the ‘new year new me’ attitudes pointless but I think I disagree. So much of last year was tainted will my illness and so the idea of the slate being wiped clean and the possibility of a fresh start is appealing to me. I understand new years resolutions aren’t for everyone and that’s okay, for some they can create the pressure I try to avoid, but they’re beneficial to me and so I’ll share my new years resolution with you all – to be kinder to myself.
So many times I tell myself I’m worthless because my blog doesn’t perform as well as others, I’m clueless when it comes to vlogging and I cant make the difference I want to see in the world regarding mental health.So many times I tell myself I’m a failure because I had to leave uni and haven’t received my degree, I’m weak because I’ve had yet another relapse and I’m unlovable because of my illness.
I know this isn’t true, yes my blog may not perform that well but I’m new at it. This time a year ago I couldn’t even say I was ill, never mind blog about it and so what an achievement. Yes I had to leave uni and I’ve had a relapse but I have an illness, the same illness I campaign for. The same illness I wish to be treated with compassion and so I need to start with myself. Finally I’m not unlovable because of my illness just as I try to tell others in the same boat.
So yes, my new years resolution is to be kinder to myself, I will keep discussing mental health and will continue my focus on self care this month. I’ve come so far in twelve months and I’m excited to see how far I can come in another years time. After a terrible relapse I’ve made it to another year, another time of new adventures and endless possibilities and I’m proud of myself. For anyone reading this you should be too, you’ve made it through the lows and the struggles, welcome to 2017.
Remember, as always – It’s okay to talk.